‎'If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.'

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it Raining?" Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk....DUH!

I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

A street magician came up to me and said : "pick up a card , any card" so I took his credit card

Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won!?

Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself

I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you picked up a little mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!"

You know you have A.D.D when you open the fridge and remember that you got up to use the bathroom!

People say all I do is sit on the computer...but I don't!!!! I actually sit on a chair!

Male bonding

Its a little frustrating that Brokeback Mountain pretty much ruined camping as a male bonding activity for straight guys!

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A girlfriend answers all your questions, a wife questions all your answers!

I bought a self-help cd online. It was called "How to Handle Disappointment".
When the package arrived it was empty!

On a scale of 1 to Oj simpson, how guilty are you?

Let's face it. Some people can only be described as: "Should have been a blow job"

Thinking...

When you wait for a waiter in the Restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

‎"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

check this out!!!

http://tinyurl.com/YouHaveToSeeThisItsAwesome

Don't wanna sound like a badass or anything but I don't wait 2 minutes after I warm up a hotpoket.

Great friends

Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

guys into games

"Oh Romeo, Romeo!" .. "STFU B*tch, I'm playing Black Ops."

Drastic

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
no study = fail
fail = no diploma
no diploma = no work
no work = no money
no money = no food
no food = you get skinny
skinny = then you get ugly
ugly = no lover
no lover = no marriage
no marriage = no children
no children = alone
alone = depression
depression = sickness
sickness = death
lesson: Don't loose your pen.

One of my facebook friends as only got eight friends, so I've asked him to change his profile name to Add Me

A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so she can only fasten eight!" :D

Girls

Every girl has 3 personalities 1) When she's with her family 2) When she's with her friends 3) When she's with HIM.

I've come to realise that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, it always belongs to the uglier one.

I just asked my mate "What do you get if you remove an L and an I from oblivious?" He said "Don't know?" I said "It's obvious."

new invention for facebook

I'd much rather have a "BEAT YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT" button instead of a "POKE" button. I'd use it a lot more!!

Dear alarm clock,
When I want you to go off it takes forever. When I don't want to get up, you don't shut up.
Talk about mood swings!