‎"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly SHE's not your friend anymore.

I only go out with fat women. I do it so I can tell people i've been with tonnes of women.

learn this if ur a male

The speed in which a woman says "nothing", when asked "what's wrong?" Is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Have you ever noticed that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

I got drunk then got my picture taken on my license...that way when I get pulled over for drunking driving i look the as my pic on my license

funny

wat do u call a dog with no legs
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doesn't matter wat u call it,it aint gonna come

OMG. did. you. know. that. when. you. read. this. sentence. the. little. voice. inside. your. head. takes. pauses.

She is 90% of the reason I get up in the morning, and the other 10% is because I have to pee

They say so many people die because of alcohol..

Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.

joke

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

Pick up line

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

funny

"A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it's two tired."

Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

Whoever says Good Morning on a Monday is f@*king liar.

I got new deodorant yesterday and the instructions said remove top and push up bottom, my ass really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome

Dont try this with ur girlfriends parents.

Can i fuck your daughter? "what"? I said can i have a glass of water?

i hate when parents say pick your room up

‎"Clean your room, Family are coming over" ..."Oh, I' m sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom."

more jokes

I just held the door open for a nice Asian gentleman. He said, "sank you". He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

More funny

The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

funny

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

My funny facebook sayings and quotes.

I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." Yeah...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???