‎'If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.'

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it Raining?" Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk....DUH!

I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

A street magician came up to me and said : "pick up a card , any card" so I took his credit card

Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won!?

Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself

I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you picked up a little mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!"

You know you have A.D.D when you open the fridge and remember that you got up to use the bathroom!

People say all I do is sit on the computer...but I don't!!!! I actually sit on a chair!

Male bonding

Its a little frustrating that Brokeback Mountain pretty much ruined camping as a male bonding activity for straight guys!

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A girlfriend answers all your questions, a wife questions all your answers!

I bought a self-help cd online. It was called "How to Handle Disappointment".
When the package arrived it was empty!

On a scale of 1 to Oj simpson, how guilty are you?

Let's face it. Some people can only be described as: "Should have been a blow job"

Thinking...

When you wait for a waiter in the Restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

‎"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

check this out!!!

http://tinyurl.com/YouHaveToSeeThisItsAwesome

Don't wanna sound like a badass or anything but I don't wait 2 minutes after I warm up a hotpoket.

Great friends

Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

guys into games

"Oh Romeo, Romeo!" .. "STFU B*tch, I'm playing Black Ops."

Drastic

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
no study = fail
fail = no diploma
no diploma = no work
no work = no money
no money = no food
no food = you get skinny
skinny = then you get ugly
ugly = no lover
no lover = no marriage
no marriage = no children
no children = alone
alone = depression
depression = sickness
sickness = death
lesson: Don't loose your pen.

One of my facebook friends as only got eight friends, so I've asked him to change his profile name to Add Me

A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so she can only fasten eight!" :D

Girls

Every girl has 3 personalities 1) When she's with her family 2) When she's with her friends 3) When she's with HIM.

I've come to realise that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, it always belongs to the uglier one.

I just asked my mate "What do you get if you remove an L and an I from oblivious?" He said "Don't know?" I said "It's obvious."

new invention for facebook

I'd much rather have a "BEAT YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT" button instead of a "POKE" button. I'd use it a lot more!!

Dear alarm clock,
When I want you to go off it takes forever. When I don't want to get up, you don't shut up.
Talk about mood swings!

‎"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly SHE's not your friend anymore.

I only go out with fat women. I do it so I can tell people i've been with tonnes of women.

learn this if ur a male

The speed in which a woman says "nothing", when asked "what's wrong?" Is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Have you ever noticed that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

I got drunk then got my picture taken on my license...that way when I get pulled over for drunking driving i look the as my pic on my license

funny

wat do u call a dog with no legs
.
.
.
.
.
.
doesn't matter wat u call it,it aint gonna come

OMG. did. you. know. that. when. you. read. this. sentence. the. little. voice. inside. your. head. takes. pauses.

She is 90% of the reason I get up in the morning, and the other 10% is because I have to pee

They say so many people die because of alcohol..

Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.

joke

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

Pick up line

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

funny

"A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it's two tired."

Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

Whoever says Good Morning on a Monday is f@*king liar.

I got new deodorant yesterday and the instructions said remove top and push up bottom, my ass really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome

Dont try this with ur girlfriends parents.

Can i fuck your daughter? "what"? I said can i have a glass of water?

i hate when parents say pick your room up

‎"Clean your room, Family are coming over" ..."Oh, I' m sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom."

more jokes

I just held the door open for a nice Asian gentleman. He said, "sank you". He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

More funny

The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

funny

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

My funny facebook sayings and quotes.

I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." Yeah...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???