‎'If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.'

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it Raining?" Nope, I decided to take the fish for a walk....DUH!

I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

A street magician came up to me and said : "pick up a card , any card" so I took his credit card

Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won!?

Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself

I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you picked up a little mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!"